Just because a thought pops into your head, doesn’t mean that you have to believe it. Not only do you not have to believe it, but you don’t have to hang on to it. We do not control all of the thoughts hat enter our head, however we do control what we do with them.
Think of it this way: When you have friends over, do you show them the picture of your divorce, or do you show them the picture of your marriage? I am sure that most of you would say that you show the picture of your marriage. How about a poor performance rating? Would you display that on your office wall or your numerous plaques of continued excellence ?
Your brain is just like that. It is a photo album of both positive and negative images. And you can treat it as such. Keep the images that lift you up and let go of the ones that tear you down.
1. Identify the faulty component. Monitor your thoughts so that you can identify those that are distorted. Once the distorted thoughts have been dealt with, you can think about your problem in a more positive and realistic way.
2. Look for the evidence. Instead of making an assumption that a negative thought may have is true, look for the actual evidence for it. For example, if you feel that you never do anything right, you could make a list of all the things you have done successfully.
3. Switch it up. Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh and condemning way, do the complete opposite. Talk to yourself in the same compassionate way that you would with a friend who had a similar problem.
4. Experiment. Perform an experiment to test whether your negative thought is valid or not. For example, if you are afraid of making mistakes, make a mistake on purpose and see what happens. Did the world come to an end?
5. Shade it. Instead of thinking about your problems in all-or-nothing extremes, evaluate them on a range from 0-100. When things don’t work out as well as you had hoped, think of it as a partial success instead of a complete failure. See what you can do to learn from the situation and move your success number up.
6. Ask. Ask friends questions to find out if your thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes are realistic. For example if you believe that your anxiety about going out in public is abnormal, ask your friends if they ever feel nervous leaving the house.
7. Labels no more. If you give yourself a label like a “fool” a “loser” an “idiot” or anything else unflattering, go one step further and define what that label really means. For example, what is the function of a “loser”, a “fool” or an “idiot?” Nobody is perfect. All people make mistakes. It is better to label the action rather than the person.
8. It’s a matter of semantics. Substitute any language that is unflattering and emotionally charged with more flattering and less charged language. For example instead of saying “I should not have gone in that direction,” say “it would have been better if I had not gone in that direction.”
9. Avoid making assumptions. Instead of making assumptions like you are “bad” and blaming yourself entirely for a problem, think about all the factors that may have contributed to it. Focus on solving the problem instead of using your energy on blaming yourself and feeling horrible about it.
10. Advantage vs disadvantage. List the advantages and disadvantages of feeling a negative thought. For example, if your bus is late, what is the advantage of becoming angry? There isn’t one. Now on top of your bus being late, you are also angry.
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Hi, My name is Lisa. I am a mother, girlfriend, blogger, runner and happiness seeker.
I started blogging in March 2010 as a way for me to grow and help others by sharing what I learned.
My personal development journey began about 15 years ago.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Good points, Lisa! I especially like #6, asking friends. Whatever it is, we all have our times of doubt or fear and other things holding us back, and it’s always good to know we’re not the only ones! I like #9 too, and with #4, the only way we can ever learn most things is to experiment and make mistakes, and often what we think is a horrible mistake (when it involves other people) just isn’t noticed nearly as much as we notice it (and feel awful or whatever).
Good stuff for freelancers like me, too. Rejection is the name of the game and you can’t let it get you down :)
Leah McClellan recently posted..Finding your peace- 10 tips for tough times
Hi Leah,
Thank you for adding to the conversation. Your comment about rejection reminded me of this quote I hears “fall down nine times, get up ten.” :-)
Hi Lisa,
That’s a great analogy about what you show people when they come over the house! We spend most of our lives wallowing in all the “bad” stuff that’s happened to us… some people make their life’s work!
I always ask people if they’d accept their friends treating them the way the treat themselves… so why do you let yourself get away with it??
As for #7 – I hear parents doing this to their kids all the time. It doesn’t take long for a parent to give their child a label – “You stupid boy” or “You silly girl” will create a whole raft of problems for a child and ultimately the adult that grows out of them.
Dan O’Neil recently posted..Inspirational People – Joe Smale
Thanks Dan,
Yes, unfortunately some people do make negativity their life’s work! And the thing is that they don’t have to. It is just as easy and feels better to make positivity the goal. They have conditioned themselves to focus on what is wrong all of the time and it has becomes a habit. I like what you said about accepting the way your friends treating you. Too often we don’t treat ourselves as our own best friends. I know that I am guilty of this. On the topic of labels… they can be so damaging–labels that we give to other people and labels that we give to ourselves. We must make a conscious effort to be kind to ourselves and our fellow humans. Thanks for adding so much to the conversation.