Are You Listening to Me? 7 Tips to Becoming a Good Listener

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I seem to be on a bit of a series kick. Not only was creating the articles on abundance fun, they were transforming– completely taking me out of my funk and into gratitude. So, in the effort to become a better listener, I am doing a mini-series on listening—I mean really listening.

Back in the day, I used to be a terrible listener—a chronic interrupter—so bad that I am surprised that I learned anything about anyone who I was in a conversation with. I was more concerned about getting my point across or getting help from them than with what they had to say. I could listen very well in a classroom, just not socially. It is not that I was intentionally being rude; I was trying to get my emotional needs met the best I knew how and I was never taught how to listen.

And then one day, someone, whose name I can’t remember, looked me and said, “Lisa, other people have problems too.” Those words hit me like a ton of bricks—a ton of guilt was more like it. It was at that moment that I realized what I was doing. It was the wakeup call that showed me how self-absorbed I was. I needed that person to say it at that time using those words for it o sink in that the world did not revolve around me. Although I knew that on an intellectual level, emotionally I was in need of so much attention and care, it was overshadowed.

Although I am a much, much better listener today, there is room for improvement.

The first step to becoming a better listener is to recognize that you need to become a better listener. Once this has been done, there are specific skills that can be learned so that you can become a more effective communicator. Practice, however will make these skills become second nature. Although you have probably heard of several of these skills, they bear repeating

Face the speaker –Body language is a large part of active listening. You may be perfectly able to actively listen lying on your back on a bed with your eyes shut, but that will not convince the person you are talking to that you are paying full attention, and may cause them to be reticent with their information, or not to bother at all. However, sitting up straight with your body facing them and leaning slightly forward shows that you are interested in what they are saying.

Maintain eye contact – This does not mean never blinking or looking away. There needs to be a comfortable and comforting degree of eye contact. You don’t want to stare at the person, but you also don’t want the person talking to the side of your face the entire time. When eye contact is broken, it should not be to take an interest in someone or something else. It is pretty obvious when this is happening. There is no magic formula for when to break eye contact, for how long, and where else to look. Just remember that eye contact will be largely governed by how genuinely interested you are in what the speaker is saying. If you have no interest, or are not concentrating with active listening, then you can be fairly confident that your level of eye contact will be saying the same.

Assess the emotion, not just the words –Very often, words on their own are a poor guide as to how a person is feeling. Sometimes they are in direct contradiction to the person’s body language, tone of voice and facial expressions. If a person is telling you they are happy, but are shaking and crying uncontrollably, you know there is more to the story. The goal of active listening is to decipher the truth of a situation, Even if the speaker comes to you, don’t assume that they will be straight-talking. They may want you to look behind the words at their body language, because they may need the truth coaxed out of them if it is too painful to simply utter.

Minimize external distractions – Turn off the TV, switch off the radio, stop reading, stop writing, and just pay attention. Trying to speak or listen when there are distractions is difficult. If there is something that you really need heard, ask your listener for their undivided attention. Don’t allow them to tell you that they can multitask—listening to you while watching television at the same time.

Respond appropriately – when you genuinely take an interest in what someone else is saying, you respond appropriately. I know that there have been several times that I have responded to a question without even fully hearing it. However, do bear in mind that some people are less animated than others, and if you are like this, you may want to insert a few nods or verbal acknowledgements. It may help to say you understand or offer other spoken encouragements every so often. Be careful not to overdo it, though. Saying “wow”, “really?”, and “fascinating” every few seconds can be distracting in itself, or it may seem false, as though you are sticking to some formula you read in a book. You can also ask questions, provided they do not interrupt the flow of the speaker’s thoughts.

Focus on the speaker – Fight the temptation to prepare what you are going to say while the person you are having a conversation with is speaking. This can be difficult to resist, especially when the speaker says something that sparks a useful response in us that we fear we will have forgotten by the time they finish speaking. If you want to recall a point they have made, try remembering just one trigger word that will help, rather than working out your whole reply in your head in advance. Remember that the conversation will usually follow a logical flow once the speaker has finished, so there should be no need to do anything other than listen.

Minimize internal distractions – If you are finding that your own brain is chattering away when you are supposed to be listening, refocus your thoughts on the person you are talking to, and keep doing this as often as required. Your ability to do this will improve with practice. It may even help to act as though your life depends on whatever the other person has to say, or you could try repeating their words mentally as they say them.

Really listening to someone is one of the best gifts you can give yourself and others.

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2. What’s Stopping You from Listening?