Want Better Relationships? Then Listen Up

Tweet

This is the second article in my series on becoming a good listener. As I stated in the first article, Are You Listening to Me?, I used to be a terrible listener—a chronic interrupter—so bad that I was surprised that I learned anything about anyone who I was in a conversation with. I was more concerned about getting my point across or getting help from them than with what they had to say. Although I am a much better listener now, I still have room for improvement and so I am writing this series.

All of our relationships, from the most personal that we enjoy with our partner and children, through those we have with friends and our more extended family, to those that occur in our work life, and those we experience with mere acquaintances are based on our ability to communicate effectively. Active listening is a HUGE part of communication.

Poor listening = poor communication

Where there is an absence of active listening, there is poor communication and where there is poor communication, opportunities are missed and problems are created or perpetuated. Let’s say that you stop to get directions and you are instructed to go right at the fork in the road, but because you were only half-listening, you missed that critical piece of information and when you came to the fork in the road you went left. You would be taken completely off course and possibly into danger.

Let’s bring it closer to home; one of the most common complaints following any failed personal relationship is that the other person didn’t listen. By nature, we are social creatures. We crave interaction as a means of enriching our lives. Communicating with others allows us to express our emotions – our hopes and fears, joys and sorrows to those we think may be interested, or who may be able to help us make sense of them. And when someone doesn’t listen to us, it hurts.

Note: Agreeing is not the same as listening. If someone doesn’t agree with you, it doesn’t mean that they weren’t listening. Don’t continue to repeat yourself from all sorts of angles, wearing them down until they say what you want them to say, leave it alone and find out why you need people to agree with you instead of being honest with you.

There are many reasons why people fail to listen properly. They may be distracted by an activity they are attempting while listening, or by other thoughts in their head they deem to be more important, or they might be thinking about what they are going to say next, which is a common flaw in communication between people who have different opinions or they just may not be in the mood to listen.

What’s your mood?

Even if it is in the other person’s job description to listen to other people, their ability to actively listen to someone can easily be affected by how they are feeling at that moment. We all know how this goes. If you’re not careful, your emotions can dictate your whole day. This particularly includes how you respond to people who want to bend your ear with their problems. If you are in a good mood, you feel loving and giving and able to offer your best advice based on your incisive analysis of what you have just actively listened to. If your mood sucks, the very notion that someone wants to burden you with their thoughts, let alone their problems, can make you resentful. So you may fake it and pretend to pay attention and be interested, which really is a waste of time.

Consider the time and place

Location can also present a barrier to active listening. For example, having a heart-to-heart in the street next to a mechanical digger in full swing is never going to be conducive to active listening. Equally, trying to talk about a delicate matter with someone who is hard of hearing and who won’t wear an aid in the middle of a crowded restaurant is doomed to failure. These may be extreme examples, but they show the importance of choosing the right time and place. As the listener, it is far better to be honest and schedule a more appropriate time and place than to succumb to the pressure to listen now and then not listen at all.

When you actively listen to someone, you are putting their needs ahead of yours for the moment; essentially, you are saying that they matter.

Photo credit

Tweet

Related posts:

1. 8 Ways to Create Positive Relationships