This is my fourth and final article in my series on becoming a better listener. To catch up, read Are You Listening to Me? 7 Tips to becoming a good listener, Want Better Relationships, Then Listen Up and Wha’ts Stopping You from Listening? I started this series as a personal effort to become better listener and am happy to say that it is working! I have been presently surprised at how researching and writing on this topic has affected change; but when I really think about it makes sense. What I focus on, I become.
This article is a little bit different from the others. Instead of focusing on active listening, I want to focus the importance of reflective listening. Reflective listening is basically how you deal with what you have heard.
When a person feels that they are understood at an emotional level, that’s the moment they feel they are truly understood.
With reflective listening, you choose to explore the unspoken message behind a speaker’s message. For example, if someone is telling you that they are worried about losing their job, your focus should be on that person’s fears and not on the current state of the job market. The speaker, most likely has already researched the facts, figures and probabilities of them losing their job, and will have heard a hundred times from well-meaning individuals that their job may not be lost. Hearing that their job may not be lost is NOT what the speaker wants to hear at this time. They want to express their feelings.
When you respond on a personal/feeling level, you keep the conversation on the level the speaker intended. This is a gift to the speaker. It allows them to further explore their feelings, improve their understanding of the situation, and potentially attain a healthier attitude about it. There is no point in you saying something like: “Don’t worry, I’m sure it won’t happen.”
Thee kind of responses are empty and they shows that you have not even slightly grasped the reason the speaker opened up in the first place. Telling a worried person not to worry is pretty much telling them that you want to end the conversation. It is dismissive of the real problem, which is the speaker’s emotional reaction to the situation they are describing. Being dismissive is hurtful and it can cause the speaker to shut down; especially when it has been a huge step for them to open up.
Being a reflective listener means addressing those matters that the speaker wants to address. Don’t just evaluate the words that are spoken, but all that the speaker is conveying through their body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. Taking all of this into consideration will provide the best interpretation of the speaker’s true emotional state.
Sometimes a person’s expression may be completely at odds with the content of what they are saying. Content refers to the ideas, reasons, theories, assumptions, and descriptions they are expressing. Since many people do not state their emotions explicitly within such content, you will need to respond to the implicit emotional tone. An example would be if you asked how a friend was doing, and they responded in a monotone and with pain in their eyes: “I’m doing great”. Which message would you believe?
As a reflective listener, you would respond to the evident sadness and distress in your friend. This may involve you in a long conversation, where a simple “Don’t worry!” would not. But unless those underlying negative emotions of the speaker are dealt with, responsive listening hasn’t taken place.
This does not mean that assumptions about how a speaker feels should be made. Just because the last time you looked so miserable, something terrible had happened, doesn’t mean that is the case for the speaker now. The speaker may truly be doing great; maybe they just rolled their ankle or something and been in a little pain at that precise moment. The only way to establish the truth would be to respond with a gentle challenge. Ask them “Are you sure you’re feeling all right? You look like you’re suffering.”
Being a good listener is not some super skill beyond the reach of mere mortals; it is a skill anyone can master if they are willing to accept their current inadequacies and make the effort required to do differently. I hope this series has provided as much value to you as it has to me.
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Hi, My name is Lisa. I am a mother, girlfriend, blogger, runner and happiness seeker.
I started blogging in March 2010 as a way for me to grow and help others by sharing what I learned.
My personal development journey began about 15 years ago.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow Lisa, I wish I had you listening skills. I’m pretty bad at this sometimes. My problem is that I am a very logical person so sometimes I’m a complete idiot at responding correctly to someone who is looking for me to listen to their feelings. I’m a man so I try to solve problems, when in reality they really just wanted to be heard.
Great post. Listening seems simple, but boy is it tough to master.
Thanks for the post,
Bryce
Hi Bryce,
I am a work in progress. Writing this series has really helped me thought. My sweetie is like that. Very logical, analytical, problem-solving. Just yesterday I was telling him to listen to unheard message behind the message. :-)
Good stuff, Lisa.
Looking at the first scenario with the person worried about losing her job: I think a lot of people react with the “don’t worry” response because they’re uncomfortable discussing feelings, and their response is a reflection of their own feelings rather than a response to the literal meaning of what the person has said. And yes, it shuts things down right away.
In the 2nd scenario, that one definitely gets tricky. We don’t want to read too much into things–that can be annoying. And sometimes someone doesn’t want us to; for example, I have a neighbor with whom I get along great, but she keeps her boundaries pretty tight and doesn’t like to get personal. I can see when she’s not doing so well, so it’s a tough call sometimes. If we get talking, sometimes she’ll talk about whatever it is. Other times not, so I don’t pry. When we know someone really well, though, it’s a lot easier.
And then there’s some responsibility on the speaker to state clearly what he or she wants. All sorts of stuff! It’s all fascinating to me and glad you tackled this topic.
Hi Leah,
Thanks for adding so much to the conversation. People tell us all sorts of things through their verbal and non-verbal communication. If we listen, we can respond appropriately. If we are not clear about something, we can always ask questions.
Hi Lisa,
Glad to be back. This is the first article I have read in your series. So far, I liked what I have read. I’m a strong advocate of listening skills. Some people don’t even listen at all. Some people think they have the gist of what you’re saying before you even say it. I think is more a bad habit than anything else.
I really like the idea of being a reflective listener. Since this taps into the emotions, I believe that people would need to improve their emotional intelligence or EQ. This would help when it comes to recognizing body language, facial expressions, etc.
I will make sure I check out the other articles in the series..
Hi Vic,
Nice to see you back. :-) Great! Listening is something I have had to work hard at getting better at. Reflective listening is all about hearing the “message” behind the message. Hearing our tone, actions, inflection and ultimately our emotional state.
You have become THE listening expert, Lisa. This is a good one. I have learned that people can’t help but reveal their true selves when we really learn to listen. It is in this ‘reflective’ listening that we can grasp peoples greatest fears, desires and ambitions. It is our job to find the wholesome seeds that are lying in their subconscious and water it so it may blossom. Conversely, as you mention; we must be careful not to water the negative thought seeds because they too can blossom and wreak havoc.
Hey Rob,
LOL. Thanks. Writing this series has really helped me to become a better listener. I love what you said about people not being able to help but reveal their true selves when we really learn to listen. That is such a gift to them–to be able to create such a safe environment where they feel that they can share anything without judgment. Here’s to watering positive seeds. :-)
I need to work on becoming a better listener myself. I’ve heard of reflective listening before, but I guess I’ve never really tried practicing it. I think I’ll work on doing that more often, starting today!
Thanks for sharing!
Hey Grady,
Welcome to the blog! Great! Please stop back and let us know how it goes. So much of what is said is not said.
Lisa,
I used to get so angry when I would “vent ” a problem to someone and they would come back with a logical response. I am speaking energy/emotion and they are speaking logic/mind.
No wonder the ability to communicate is so difficult these days.
Hi Justin,
I hear ya! That has happened to me many times. Unless we feel that our true feelings have been heard, we feel like we haven’t been heard. In these situations, I tend to repeat myself until I realize that the person is not really hearing me. If it it is someone close, I let them know that I don’t want a solution, I want empathy.
Hi Lisa,
I m new to your site. Bryce introduced your blog as one of the top 15, plus you blog about self improvement. That is why I quickly came over to check out your wonderful site and content. Thanks for such a wonderful space to share all your good stuff about self improvement. We all need it. My niche is also on self and personal development. Just love this stuff and find that I just enjoy sharing my knowledge and expertise.
Take for example this article about reflective listen
ing. I think it is one of the biggest limitation of the modern
era. People just plain don’t want to listen attentively anymore. It does not help that technology is giving us more time and attention pressure. Instead of listening we our minds are actively waiting to reply our SMS and emails or twitters.
I myself suffer from this poor listening sickness. My wife knows about it and always repeat the same message over and over again. She knows I m not listening well. I am learning. I have to slow down and consciously try and sense her hidden feelings. I find that to be connected at that sensory level the key is to really consciously put myself in her shoe and really try abd experience what she is telling me.
I also feel not listened to many times which drives me nuts. People might agree and nod but I just can sense their indifference. Quite frustrating. But lately I find voicing my displeasure of not been understood openly helps. Lately I find my wife connecting better with me while listening
This is really a tough skill to master but we must try none the less for deeper bonds. Superficial relationships are the worse enemies of friends.
Hi Jimmy,
Welcome. Great! I’ll be heading over to visit your site. Very true. Technology is shrinking our attention spans and reducing our ability to connect. It is funny because in some ways we are more connected and in others we are not. My sweetie and I sometimes have a similar problem as you and your wife. Although he listens, he listens to what is said and not the feelings behind it. Therefore his response is to the words. When this happens, I remind him it is about the feelings.
It is easy to tell when someone is not listening to you. The best thing you can do in these situations is call their attention back. You can even let them know that they seem distracted and ask them if this is a good time to talk. If the person is not close to you, you can cut the conversation short or change the subject.
Hi Lisa! This is my first time to your site. I like your post, and am so glad you did this series. I wish you much success with it! Thanks for your encouragement to reflectively listen–listening without judgment, listening to thoughts and feelings, listening without interrupting. Listening truly is a lost skill–an art, perhaps, but only after it has become a skill first.
Hi Sean,
Welcome! Glad you stopped by. Thank you. Listening without judgment is key to really understanding what someone is telling us. When we judge another, we don’t hear what they are saying, we hear what we want to hear.
Lisa: I’ve read a lot of articles about listening skills, but you are the first to ever mention that “don’t worry” is not the proper response. You couldn’t be more right that it is dismissive of the person’s concerns. Even if the concerns are only perceived concerns…perception is reality. At least to that person.
great point. great post.
Kathy
Lisa,
That was a heck of an introduction to your site. Man, you got skills. I am equipped to know actually pay attention to when my wife talks to me. That means a lot to me. :-)
I can’t wait to go back and review the other posts from this series. You have opened up my ears to the world with this one. Great post.