This is the third article in my series on better listening. To catch up and see why I started this series, read Are You Listening to Me? 7 Tips to becoming a good listener and Want Better Relationships, Then Listen Up.
In a way, the importance of listening hardly needs explaining. No one can live in this modern world and not understand the need to communicate with others. It is not the importance of listening that really requires stressing; it is the misconception that listening is easy and happens by default.
Human beings are social creatures. Not only is communication unavoidable, it is truly desirable. We crave interaction as a means of enlivening our time on this earth, and because it keeps us (relatively) sane. It allows us to express our emotions – our hopes and fears, joys and sorrows – and share them with other people who we think may be interested, or who may be able to help us make sense of them. But when we speak, there has to be someone listening for it to have any point.
Being unaware
The first barrier to active listening is simply not realizing that it isn’t taking place. Most of us can get through life perfectly adequately without developing our listening skills, mostly because we fail to classify listening as a skill to start with, and because most everyone else is in the same state of ignorance. It is very easy to then delude yourself into thinking that listening just involves allowing another person to speak in your presence. Even when you are the one talking and faced with a lousy listener, it still may not dawn that you are every bit as bad at listening as they are. It is only when faced with a truly gifted listener – one who actively listens – that we may become aware of how lacking we are by comparison.
Reluctance
The possible result of actively listening to another person may be that you become embroiled in their situation in some way. People who share problems often do so because they are seeking advice, but they may also want the listener to become more deeply involved. Where this is obvious from the outset, you may be reluctant to become implicated and may therefore willfully fail to lend a sympathetic and understanding ear.
Bias and prejudice
Y0ur personal interpretation of what you are hearing may cause them to respond negatively to the speaker. You may either assume that you know the situation because they have been faced with similar in the past, or you may allow their preconceptions to color the way you respond. In the first case, the you may not properly listen to the facts because you already think you know the full story. This means you might belittle the problem or offer a response that does not meet the needs of the listener. In the second case, you judge the speaker negatively because the speaker’s opinions or beliefs run counter to your own.
Subject matter
You may simply not be interested in what the speaker is saying. This may be because you find the subject dull, because you feel it is too far beyond your experience to comment on, or because your lack of knowledge causes you to dismiss the severity of the problem. All these can cause you to turn off your listening ears to a certain extent.
Status of the Speaker
Your opinion of the speaker, as a person, may influence the extent to which you are happy to pay attention and give your time. This may be based on simple likes and dislike, or on status. The former situation may cause you to hang on every word or positively resent the imposition. The latter situation may also produce these same results: the thoughts of a low status speaker may be deemed unworthy, and those of a high status individual may provoke rapt attention because you feel honored to have been included or consulted.
As you see, there are several barriers that may prevent us from listening. Our job is to know what they are and deal with them when they come up. The way I see it, if there it is something that someone is saying that I have tried to be interested, but am not, I am not going to pretend that I am. I will subtly let the speaker know that I am not interested through tone and body language–which they will probably detect anyway; however, if the message isn’t clear, I would politely let them know that I am not interested so as to not waste either their time or mine.
Related posts:
- Are You Listening to Me? 7 Tips to Becoming a Good Listener
- It’s Not What You Said, It’s What I Heard
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Hi, My name is Lisa. I am a mother, girlfriend, blogger, runner and happiness seeker.
I started blogging in March 2010 as a way for me to grow and help others by sharing what I learned.
My personal development journey began about 15 years ago.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Lisa,
There is nothing worse to me than talking with someone who is just waiting for their turn to speak. I enjoy conversing with someone who is an active listener but also has something of value to add to the conversation.
I used to be and am still sometimes that person. And the thing is, it is so obvious to the speaker that you have something else on your mind and aren’t listening. I used to think that I could pretend my way through listening until it was my turn to speak, but it doesn’t work. I am so glad that I am a much better listener.
Hi Lisa,
I think each of these can pop up depending on the situation. It’s really our responsibility to understand why we tune out, and correct it. I know I do it a lot and often it’s due to Bordom, or I have something else already on my mind. When I do it most is when I’m interrupted and already in the middle of something…I find it hard to transfer my concentration.
I’m really enjoying your insights on listening. I think it’s an area that everyone stands to improve upon.
PEACE
Thanks for stopping by.
True. Our barriers do change depending on the situation we are in. I also suffer from a wandering mind. When I catch myself thinking about something else while someone is speaking to me, I reign myself in and focus on what they are saying. Most of the times, there is something that the other person is saying that I can be interested in. Asking questions also helps me to be interested.
Hi Lisa,
You surely pulled out some great work here. It helps me be a better listener when I understand why I’m not listening.
Status is a big one for me. You are right. I tend to clue out speaker’s I don’t think have the authority to talk about a subject they know little about. Sometimes my judgement gets ahead of my listening.
I think that’s also why in many presentations, speakers give some background on their expertise so no one will be clueing them out from the start because their status doesn’t seem in line with their presentation.
Great job Lisa,
Bryce
Hi Bryce.
Thank you. Yes, I can get caught in the status trap too. Hmmm, I never thought of it that way, but it does make sense that presenters would give some background on their expertise for the sheer reason that people would listen to them. It is like saying “listen to me, I know what I am talking about.” Wrtiting this series has really been helpful in me becoming a better listener.
Hi Lisa,
I really enjoyed reading this. I realized that you’re absolutely right too – most of us have not been taught how to listen. We think it’s being in a person’s presence who is speaking. That really hit home with me.
I also realized that I am at times a great listener and at other times not so good. I’m glad I read this – it has brought something to my attention that I want to work on.
Thanks Angela,
Listening, like any other skill, must be learned and practiced. But first we must be aware of our listening habits, before we can do anything about them. I too fluctuate with when I a a good listener. Just today, in conversation I caught my mind wandering. Fortunately, I was able to recognize it quickly and reign myself in.
Hi Lisa,
When I am concentrating on being a ‘listening’ I always think about what Marcus Aurelius advised; “Let your opinions lie still.” Our own biases and prejudices (our opinions) are always ready to jump to the forefront of the undisciplined mind. Being able to listen without listening to our inward self talk of assessments and judgments is skill that opens us up to insights and truths that go beyond our own small collection of beliefs. It is important that we realize that all the ways we “tune out” are resistance from our Counterfeit Self which is only interested in maintaining it’s grip on us. Our Authentic Self loves to listen and be open to unexpected insights and enlightening thoughts.
Hi Rob,
Thanks as always for the wonderful insight. I love what you said about our authentic self loving to listen. That is so true. I feel most connected with others when I am silently listening to them. Listening is not only a gift we give to someone else; it is also a gift we give to ourselves.
What an awesome post Lisa.
What I constantly battle with and what I try be remain cognizant of is bringing my own prejudices and preconceived notions to the table when listening. It is difficult, but I really try and temporarily step back from the lens I see life through and interpret what is being said in a diverse amount of ways.
I went to a workshop and they used the term “being there” when talking about effective listening. So many times conversations are people politely waiting for the other person to finish in order to say what they want to say – I’m definitely guilty of that! But if we can drop are preexisting views and simply be there, in the conversation we are opening the doors to some truly extraordinary conversation.
Really worthwhile topic and wonderful post Lisa!
Thank you Chris. I struggle with that too. “Being there”; I like that. When we aren’t listening, we are somewhere else. And the thing is that it is obvious to the listener. I have been on both ends of that kind of conversation and neither one feels good.
Great post, Lisa! It’s really the worst when someone is thinking more about how they want to respond to you than listening to what you’re saying. I think we’re living in such a fast paced society that proper presence is lacking in many of our interactions. Thanks for the thoughtful list!
Thanks Antonia,
I am guilty of doing that, which is why I wanted to do this series on listening. Our society is faced paced and we are busy doing or thinking about what we need to do. In the end, it isn’t our doing that matters, but our connections. Thanks for the visit.
that’s Deep lisa
you talked about a popular topic but you gave uncommon advice
keep it up :))
Hi Farouk,
Thanks for stopping by. Yes, it is a popular topic–probably because we need so much help with it. :-) Since I have started writing about it, I have become a better listener.
Hi Lisa,
You make lots of great points in this blog. I especially like your mention that sometimes people are not aware that they are not listening.
As a life coach, the most important “tuning in” mechanism for me is my ability to hear. Since most coaching is done virtually by phone, the ears are the conduit of information for a coach. The ears help the me tune in to the client’s words, tone, emotion, pain, energy, language patterns, and commitment. Some of the items that I tune into come directly from the words the client speaks; most come from extremely perceptive listening that hears what is happening underneath the words. My ultimate job is to respond; however, I cannot do so well unless I have tuned into all that the client has said.
Thanks Rachel,
Very Powerful! It is really amazing how much we say about ourselves without using words. It is so important to look for the message behind the message so that we can respond appropriately. And of course, if we are not sure, we can always ask the other person what they are feeling. Thanks for adding so much to the conversation.