Would you consider yourself an assertive person? Do you stand up for your right to be treated fairly? Or are you aggressive, making it difficult for people to be around you? Most people fit into one of these three categories; passive, assertive, or aggressive.
If you are passive you probably allow people to cross your personal boundaries by saying yes to things you don’t want to do or by letting others take credit for your work. If you are in this category and you don’t figure out why you are afraid to take a stand and speak up for yourself you will continue to be manipulated in this way. And the thing is, the other person may not even know how they are affecting you or worse, they may not even care. People in this category generally feel like there is a pecking order and they are always at the bottom.
If you are assertive, you are not likely to allow yourself to be taken advantage of. This is not to say that you don’t go out of your way to do things for others or let others have their way when appropriate. Assertive people tend to be self-confident, recognize and understand their feelings, get respect from others, have good communication and decision making skills and create honest relationships. People in this category generally feel like they are in control of their own destiny.
The third category of person is aggressive. If you are unwilling to compromise or let another person’s voice be heard, this is you. The problem with having a personality like this is that no one is right all the time and thinking you are stunts your ability to intimately connect with others.
Mountain State Canters for Independent Living had a fantastic breakdown of each of these categories. Look through it below to see which one you fit in.
Passive Behavior: Is afraid to speak up
Aggressive Behavior: Interrupts and ‘talks over’ others
Assertive Behavior: Speaks openly
Passive Behavior: Speaks softly
Aggressive Behavior: Speaks loudly
Assertive Behavior: Uses a conversational tone
Passive Behavior: Avoids looking at people
Aggressive Behavior: Glares and stares at others
Assertive Behavior: Makes good eye contact
Passive Behavior: Shows little or no expression
Aggressive Behavior: Intimidates others with expressions
Assertive Behavior: Shows expressions that match the message
Passive Behavior: Slouches and withdraws
Aggressive Behavior: Stands rigidly, crosses arms, invades others’ personal space
Assertive Behavior: Relaxes and adopts an open posture and expressions
Passive Behavior: Isolates self from groups
Aggressive Behavior: Controls groups
Assertive Behavior: Participates in groups
Passive Behavior: Agrees with others, despite feelings
Aggressive Behavior: Only considers own feelings, and/or demands of others
Assertive Behavior: Speaks to the point
Passive Behavior: Values self less than others
Aggressive Behavior: Values self more than others
Assertive Behavior: Values self equal to others
Passive Behavior: Hurts self to avoid hurting others
Aggressive Behavior: Hurts others to avoid being hurt
Assertive Behavior: Tries to hurt no one (including self)
Passive Behavior: Does not reach goals and may not know goals
Aggressive Behavior: Reaches goals but hurts others in the process
Assertive Behavior: Usually reaches goals without alienating others
Passive Behavior: You’re okay, I’m not
Aggressive Behavior: I’m okay, you’re not
Assertive Behavior: I’m okay, you’re okay
If you are not already assertive, your task is to become assertive. Standing your ground while being respectful of others leads to better personal and work relationships. Passive and aggressive people tend to live in a world that is filled with discord and drama due to their inability to talk about their feelings and desires in a constructive way. One is being stepped on all the time and the other is always stepping on someone.
Specific things that you can do to become more assertive are:
- Start, change, or end conversations
- Ask for favors
- Share your feelings, opinions, and experiences with others
- Practice saying ‘no’
- Discuss things that bother you
- Question anything that doesn’t/t make sense or seem fair
- Be firm
- Express ALL your emotions
- Develop a belief system that allows you to be assertive
- Know your rights
- You have the right to speak and to be heard
- You have the right to make errors
- You have the right to change your mind
- You have the right to be responsible for yourself and your actions
- You have the right to say no
Like anything, being assertive takes practice. The more you do it, the better you will become at it. You might even be surprised at how receptive people will be to you standing up for yourself. So hold your head high, stand up and be counted. :-)
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Hi, My name is Lisa. I am a mother, girlfriend, blogger, runner and happiness seeker.
I started blogging in March 2010 as a way for me to grow and help others by sharing what I learned.
My personal development journey began about 15 years ago.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for this Lisa,
That was really neat how you showed us the aggressive and passive sides to several common situations and then showed us the better assertive way to approach it.
I’m a fan of studying behavior, so thanks for the great mind food :)
Bryce
Thanks Bryce,
Yes, I liked those descriptions as well. They were very helpful to me as there are areas in my life where I need to become more assertive. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Lisa,
You always mange to touch base on topics when I need them the most. Thanks for providing your list for becoming more assertive.
While I do consider myself an assertive person, it’s always important to remember the tools necessary to remain assertive.
All the best!
Hi Vic,
Thanks. Glad this was timely for you. It is all about tools. The more tools we use, the better our lives will be. Just like anything else, being assertive takes practice.
Thanks for this great read. The issue is when you go from ‘passive’ to ‘assertive’, its most often mistaken as being “aggressive” as most people have their own perception of ‘you’ which they find hard to connect with – there needs to be this change in mindset of people’s perception as well.
Hi Jayanti,
Thanks for adding that. Very true. Without a change in others perceptions, your assertiveness could be seen as aggression; this is especially true for women. Also, some people don’t take well to others standing up to them. Stand up for yourself anyway. :-)
Great analysis, Lisa and I love your practical tips. Indeed being assertive is not for the select few, it is a quality we can learn with daily attention and practice. My natural inclination has been on the “agressive” side. A long time ago I Marvelously Denied that this is the only way for me – it was my Counterfeit Self running the show.When we marvelously deny the validity of the Counterfeit Self our Authentic Self naturally reveals itself – being assertive is natural. When we learn to see the folly of believing in limit, we can deny these beliefs a voice in our mind – we have outgrown them!
Thanks Rob,
When you are not asserting yourself, you are not being honest with yourself or with others. Think about it–if you say yes to someone when you really want to say no, how does that help either of you. You get put out, and although it may have a short term benefit to the person you are helping, it damages the relationship in the long run. The person doesn’t get to know what your true thoughts and feelings are.
Hi Lisa,
Great post and I also liked the examples you gave us of the different types of behaviors and what we should all strive to be.
I am proud to say that I’m assertive and I think I always have been. Not exactly sure where that self confidence comes from but I will not allow people to run over me. I do so love helping others though so I think that’s just always been in my nature.
Appreciate how you really laid this out for us. People are going to have to pay attention to what their behavior patterns are now.
~Adrienne
Thank you Adrienne,
The only way that we can improve our lives is by paying attention to what our behaviors are. Once we recognize our destructive patterns we can begin changing them. It comes down to how good of a life you want to lead.
Thanks for the visit.
Beautiful. I really like the way you lit up the contrast by showing passive, aggressive, and assertive side-by-side. Well done.
J.D. Thanks for stopping by. Yes, when I found those descriptions, I knew I had to incorporate them in the article somehow. It really cleared things up for me as well.
Hi Lisa,
I must say that I’m strategically both passive and aggressive depending on the time and place and need. I’ve been this way since I was a kid. For me it depends on the need. I’m not naturally aggressive in everything I do – but I am in some things. And the same flies for passivity.
I really like the breakdown and inclusion of being assertive as a happy medium. I like that a lot!
Thanks for providing this for us all.
Hi JK,
Strategic. I like that. Shifting your behavior appropriately will help you to respond to situations better. For example, if you are being robbed, that is not the time to be aggressive.
Hi Lisa,
I was a very passive person. But the last few years I have been working my way up the assertive scale. I am still under construction here.
Allow me to talk about the inner states that affect our style of conversing. For passive people like me, I think there are some insecured internal states that had to be addressed. For me it was a inner belief that I was not up to standard. Hence my outward appearance reflected that. For aggressive people, I believe that there is some influence in the lives of these people that created an inner state of ego. I know some schools produce this type of people.
For the most balance person, like Adrienne, they are not born this way. Somewhere in the past her people moulded her accordingly. In short to become assertive be around these people, read their works and learn from them.
Btw, catch Justin Mazza’s interview on my site. He shared a great personal story that we all can learn from. Help spread his love to your clan…
Hi Jimmy,
Welcome. Great!. We are all “under construction” in some form. :-) I completely agree with what you said about the nature of both passive and aggressive people. I definitely have passive tendencies; especially around money. I tend to severely undercharge for my services. I am adamant about not doing that any more. Interesting take on schools producing aggressive people. I had never thought about that. I agree about Adrienne and Justin. I was introduced to their blogs last month and have been enjoying their content. Thanks for adding so much to the conversation.