You know her. The Alpha mom who does everything all of the time. She is PTA president, home room advisor, and soccer coach. She makes perfect cupcakes and her children are involved in every activity from piano lessons to little league.
What you might not realize is that she does not enjoy all of the endless activity. As a matter of fact she keeps promising her friends and her husband that she will learn to say no but each time volunteers are requested she finds herself begrudgingly signing up to help.
You might think that it takes a great deal of confidence to take on all of those activities, but often times that is not the case. Women are especially guilty of taking on more then they can handle when it concerns their social circle.
Sometimes people say yes too often because they fear no one else will step up and do things right. Other times it is because they are afraid of losing friends or respect if they say they can not help or have other commitments.
What you must remember if you are one of these people is that your time has value. When you overextend yourself you take your valuable time away from other things and then those things suffer. Time with your children or your spouse is usually the first casualty when someone can’t learn to say no. Children grow resentful, marriages crumble, and stress rises for those who are overextended. In order to stop saying yes and get back to having time for yourself alone you need to learn when and how to use the word “no” appropriately.
You should say no…..
1. When you do not have time. This may mean that you have to sit down and set up a time budget. Allow yourself a set number of hours per week for yourself, for your spouse, and for your children. Include on your budget time to eat, sleep, and do household tasks. It may seem silly but it gives you a guide to know how much time you have left for other activities. Then as your volunteer requests and time commitments get added fill in the spaces as needed. You can simply look at your time budget and see that you do not have enough hours left to paint the backdrop for the school play but maybe you have enough to help set up the refreshments. Just like a financial budget a time budget can keep you running in the black.
2. When you are asked to do something you truly do not enjoy. This is especially true of volunteer opportunities. Everyone wants to help but the key is finding ways to help using skills that you have already. If the band booster club desperately needs a treasurer and you hate dealing with numbers and finance, say no. On the other hand if they need someone to head up the bake sale and you love to bake and organize events then you can say yes.
3. When you dislike the other volunteers. This one sounds a little catty, but if an event you enjoy is going to be ruined because you do not get along with other participants then do not do it. You should spend your valuable time with people you enjoy. For example, you like doing classroom parties at your children’s school but the person who heads up the committee is insufferable. Instead of putting up with her maybe you could volunteer for field trips, equally fun but much less stress.
If you know when you need to say no, the next step is learning how to say no. When you are dealing with social situations saying no with tact is extremely important. You should remember that by saying no you allow others to say yes. It is possible that there are others waiting in the wings to step up who are capable of doing a task just as well as you. Think of it this way; by you saying no, you are allowing someone else to say yes. :-)
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Hi, My name is Lisa. I am a mother, girlfriend, blogger, runner and happiness seeker.
I started blogging in March 2010 as a way for me to grow and help others by sharing what I learned.
My personal development journey began about 15 years ago.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I can visualize my wife in this ALPHA mom shoes!
So many times she takes on burden of others because she feels others would be offended.
She has to understand when to say no.
I will ask my wife to read your blog post.
There are so many of us that do exactly what your wife does. We are afraid that if we say “no” we will be perceived as mean. Unfortunately, society has taught us that we are to give to others even if it is at our own expense. Our first priority is ourselves and we must act and speak in that way. This is not to say that we don’t ever put someone else’s needs ahead of our won , but we must really look at the reason that we are doing so. If we are doing what someone wants us to do just so that they can think we are nice, that is not a good reason! It is also a lie because you are telling them that you want to do something that you don’t and this kind of a lie will eventually lead to resentment. I’d love to hear what your wife thinks about the article.
I had to do this recently at work.
I was recently brought on to manage another project on top of blogging, community management, and the marketing I already do. I was asked to start recording another video series and I had to tell my boss, it wasn’t going to happen this week.
The co owner was in the room and thanked me for doing that. I learned that it was better to be honest about the amount of work load you can manage, than to promise and fall short.
Great read.
Bryce
Bryce,
Thanks for stopping by. Sounds like you have a heavy work load. Yes, I too have learned that. I am a human being, my boss is a human being; There is only so much that a person can do in a given amount of time. I believe that the honesty between my boss and I has contributed to us having a good working relationship. If I have a question, I ask it. If I don’t know and answer, I say so. Great job on stating what you could manage. :-)
> by saying no you allow others to say yes
So true, and I’m a fan of finding the best person for the job.
Hi J.D.,
Thanks for stopping by. Well said. I completely agree. The best person for the job should be selected. :-)